|
Home
News
Features
Library
RTFM Store
Book
About
|
|
|
|
|
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
|
|||
|
| Features |
|
|
|
Shnob Appeal Charles Schwab & Co has managed to keep their nose clean while other brokerages were hit with conflict of interest scandals. But now even Co-CEO Charles Schwab has quit his own firm. Chuck, as he's known, has long been the underdog of individual investors. These days, he might benefit from a fresh start, too. More... Big N' Ugly Do you ever find yourself reading the nutritional information at a fast food restaurant? Sometimes it feels like it's not fast and not even food. If there's truth in advertising, maybe McDonald's next campaign would look something like this... More... Lonely at the Middle A lot of people wonder exactly what a product manager actually does. I have product managers who work for me and I'm still wondering. People question: What's it like to hobnob with marketing gurus and industry execs at high falutin' conferences? Frankly, I've puzzled over this myself. More... Schedule Slippage Even the most conservative project schedules usually end up slipping. But if your management is like most, they're probably sick of hearing the same old excuses. So here's our new Top 10 Excuses you can use. More... The New High-Tech Dictionary 2.0 We've all seen them. They're everywhere -in news releases, on shrink-wrapped products. You hear them at trade shows where they pile up like zeros in Bill Gates's bank account. They're the common technical and marketing terms used, misused, and abused in our industry. Now for the first time ever, a collection of software industry buzzword definitions. More... Absolut Crash We've seen the rise and fall of the Internet economy as measured with Nasdaq now trading at pre-bubble levels. And every day seems to bring more and more bad news. So what's an investor to do? Well, this ad we'd like to see is probably the best investment advice yet... More... Marketing Spin Once you've got a technology company up and running it generally consists of two groups. Those who build the product and those who sell the product. Meanwhile, Marketing provides an update to the old saw: "Those who can do, and those who can't make Powerpoint slides." More... Angel Investing For most early stage high tech companies, getting the attention of a top notch Venture Capital firm can be harder than getting an audience with the Pope on Easter Sunday. Having exhausted the traditional sources of early stage financing (friends, relatives, looking under the couch seats for $1 million in loose change) they often look to Angel Investors. More... Harry Potter's Midlife Crisis The latest Harry Potter book has hit bookstores and is breaking records worldwide. But how long can author JK Rowling continue with Harry (and his readers) getting a year older with every new release? More... Doctor Cellphone Thirty years ago, Dr. Martin Cooper demonstrated the first portable cellular phone by calling a rival at Bell Labs. Dr. Cooper holds eight patents in the area of cellular communications and three in the area of small munitions. Dr. Cooper spoke to us from San Melvino Di Burpo, home of his latest company, AnnoyComm, about the history of cell phones and his rivalry with Bell Labs. More... Still More Banner Ads Our fake banner ads have been featured in publications around the world. Just when you thought it was safe to surf, here's another new collection of banner ads that put the truth back into high-tech advertising. More... Banner Mania! Advertising parodies have been around for decades and no one spoofed Madison Avenue better than the "usual gang of idiots" at Mad Magazine. So here's our tribute with yet another batch of original banner ads along with a couple of classics. More... Entrepreneurosis People are always wondering about Entrepreneurs. If they’re investors, mostly they wonder when they’ll see their money again. Silicon Valley has a rich history of celebrating Entrepreneurs dating back to when Hewlett-Packard was founded in a garage, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, because there was no room at the inn. Three wise men and two guys named Steve went boldly where no man had gone before bearing gifts of oscilloscopes, myrrh and forging one ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them, one ring to bring them all and make long distance calls for free. More... Dude, Where's My Lawyer? Ben Curtis, also known as Steven the Dell "dude" managed to irritate a nation with his goofy antics in commercials. Unfortunately, Curtis got busted recently for buying a dime bag of pot in New York city. While most people predict this is the end of his advertising career, I believe this could be the big break Curtis needs to get to Hollywood... More... Merger Mania If you're in a high tech company for more than 6 months, it's likely that you'll go through one of the key high-tech rites of passage. No not Comdex, but rather, the high tech merger. More... Crap Did you ever notice how every CEO and technology titan dresses the same? I mean, sure, Steve Jobs did the turtleneck thing before anyone else. But now it looks like everyone is wearing the same khakis, white shirt or mock turtleneck. Is it because they are all on each other's boards? Is it something in the water? Or more likely, they all shop at the same online web site... More... Career Opportunities With all of the latest corporate finance scandals among Wall Street analysts, here's our top 10 suggestions of new career opportunities for former Merrill Lynch analyst Henry Blodget. And if these don't work out, he can always get a job filtering spam at the Valley of the Geeks headquarters. More... Portmanteau Ever hear of the term "portmanteau?" It comes from combining two or more distinct words to create a brand new one. Like smog or Reaganomics. So how about these new terms to add to your high-tech dictionary? More... Gore To Run In 2008 In an exclusive interview with Valley of the Geeks, former US Vice President Al Gore has announced that he plans on running again in 2008. Here are the highlights from our interview held at the St Rutebega High School auditorium in Cartilage, Tennessee. Gore covers his plans to beat Bush, his training regimen, a geography lesson and more. More... Vouchers We'd Like to See Recently, Microsoft settled a consumer class-action lawsuit alleging that the company used its monopoly position to overcharge consumers for software. The company agreed to pay out as much as $1.1 billion in vouchers allowing consumers to buy hardware and software products. What if other companies settled complaints by issuing vouchers? More... Forewarned! Read the foreword that shocked publishers into silence. Learn the truth about Bruce Eckel, Zack Urlocker, David Intersimone and the missing PR manager. And decide for yourself if Bruce Eckel ever wore a mullet. More... Got Clap? The Got Milk campaign has been one of the longest and most successful branding campaigns around. Bands from Aeorosmith to Kiss have been featured. But rock stars and milk? I mean, how believable is that. Maybe if it was really getting into the rock circuit we'd see something more like this ad... More... Splint Brain Phone Do cell phones cause cancer? Who knows. But if they do, you know the cell phone companies and wireless carriers will figure out a way to use that in their latest advertising campaigns. Can anytime any tumor minutes be far off? More... Priceless? Ever wonder what kind of credit card Scott Sullivan, former CFO at WorldCom carries? On the other hand, with $45 million in profits on WorldCom stock, maybe Scott needs a bail bond card more than he needs a credit card. More... More Out of Print With print-on-demand technology, books go from manuscript to finished product in weeks, compared with the traditional process that can take eighteen or even twenty-four months. So some books that may have sounded like best-sellers a year and half ago, might not have much appeal these days. Here's our look at ten more top books destined for the remainder bin... More... IRS Tax FAQ To help those who have not yet completed their taxes, the IRS has create a list of last minute questions and answers. It may not reduce the amount of tax you pay or the length of your jail sentence, but it will take your mind off a pending audit. More... Palm Job At the Recent Palm Developer's Conference ("What, us worry?") Palm rocked the high tech world with the resignation of their CEO David Nagel and a new branding strategy based on selling the Palm name back to themselves. More... Obscure Holidays Recently I received emails telling me about such obscure holidays as Friendship Day, Sister's Day, and Sys Admin Day. Here are ten even more obscure holidays to consider. More... Signs You Travel Too Much Think you travel too much? Check our "top 10" warning signs and prepare for take off. More... Bandwagoneering Interview I recently met with Frank Brain, CTO and co-founder of SoftBrain Corporation, to discuss its latest innovations in the software field. We met at the Chalk and Cheese Pub in San Melvino-di-Burpo, and over lunch we explored the latest directions in Internet technology. More... Analyst Overboard New Business Servers may create a billion dollar BS market according to analysts. BS startups are popping up faster than mushrooms at a Vancouver Phish concert. More... Management Speak Did you ever notice how when management tells you something they don't always tell you everything? Sometimes it seems like they have their own special language for everything. If you're in the know, it all makes sense, but if not, use this handy guide to translate management speak into what you really need to know. More... Dear Miss Management This month we've asked management guru Carly Fiorina, CEO of Hewlett-Packard, to answer questions regarding employee issues and corporate ethics. More... VC War Chalking A recent trend has emerged from London known as "War Chalking" to help wireless hackers locate good sources of connectivity. With Venture Capital firms struggling to figure out which companies to salvage and which ones to shut down, we thought there could be a new set of chalk symbols emerging soon... More... Geek Gifts Got a geek in your life and not quite sure what to get them? Here's our top gift recommendations ranging from dot com games, to videos, to books and more. And if you order on line you can still get them shipped in time for the holiday season. More... Selling The Dream One ingredient that is sometimes overlooked in the early stage of a company's life is sales. Everyone gets jazzed up about raising money, building a product, launching a website then, lo-and-behold, a year rolls by and you wonder why the customer service team always goes home early. More... Project Management 101 If you're a typical programmer working in a corporate environment, you've probably wondered about a career in management. Maybe you have considered taking evening courses toward an MBA, or at least learning to play golf. But before you begin climbing the corporate ladder to a ground floor opportunity, you'll need to learn about project management. More... Cellular Hell With increased competition in the wireless industry the only thing that hasn't improved is the service. Well, actually the service and the price. And the complexity. More... Banner Ads We'd Like To See Sick of banner ads pumped full of promise and puffery? Take a look at a few of these banner ads we'd like to see. More... What Not To Say To A Recruiter If there's two things you can count on in this world, it's death, taxes and recruiter phone calls. Wait a sec'; that's three things. Ok, well, in the spirit of counting, here's our Top 10 list of things you should not say when a job recruiter calls you. More... Comdex, Shmomdex Comdex used to be the largest of the mega large computer industry tradeshows held in the fall in Las Vegas and internationally in Canada, Germany and Japan. If there was a way to get exhibitors to ship booths to Mars, they'd probably have a Comdex there too. ("Now with the most volume buyers in the solar system".) More... Oracle #1 Oracle has never quite gotten over being the #2 software company behind Microsoft And as a result, CEO Larry Ellison has more "Bill Envy" than anyone on the planet. So to add a little realism to Oracle's advertising campaign, here's our version of their next print ad... More... New Whine in Old Books Although there have been a few excellent business books by high-tech titans, like Andy Grove's "Only the Paranoid Survive", usually you get a watered down self-agrandizing set of anecdotes and name dropping. But what if today's tech titans wrote some of the best-selling books already out there? More... Crocachit! Believe it or not, Corporate America does have its very own language. I call it the "Crocachit" language. I remember listening to an investor conference call for a company I was considering buying stock in. The new CEO said, "I am even more excited today about our company's prospects than I was when I started here three months ago." Within weeks of the conference call, the company's stock crashed, and the new CEO resigned "to pursue other professional goals". What a Crocachit! More... Out of Print Traditional publishers often take eighteen or even twenty-four months to get a completed manuscript into production and on bookstore shelves. So some books that may have sounded like best-sellers a year and half ago, might not have much appeal these days... More... MC Rap Michael Capellas is clearly a versatile executive. His career took him from Oracle to Compaq and now that Compaq has been merged with HP, he's become CEO of WorldCom. Say what? That's right, WorldCom. The only question is can Capellas change his tune from software rock and roll to telecommunications rap. Here's the latest from GrandMaster MC... More... High-Tech Wishlist Every week you read about some new company or product that's supposed to make us more productive, turn around the economy and reduce hair loss. So how about a top ten list of what is really needed in Silicon Valley... More... Absolut Pride What else is there to say? More... More Holidays Did you ever notice how Europeans get six weeks of vacation a year? No wonder they're always coming over to the US and crowding our national parks. Clearly, what the US high-tech economy needs is a few more holidays to even things out. So here's our follow up list of more obscure holidays. More... A Second Chance About 750,000 high-tech workers were laid off in the last year, but things may finally be turning around. The best-known icon of the dot-com boom and bust has landed a job. The Sock Puppet’s trademark line, "because Pet’s can’t drive," has been replaced by "because everyone deserves a second chance." More... Snitch In Time Like on-again off-again lovers, Apple and Microsoft are sometimes partners and sometimes rivals but always interesting to observe. With Apple's latest "switch" campaign making the rounds, we thought it might be interesting to consider Microsoft's own campaign. More... Miss Demeanor Now that Ann Landers is no longer with us and Dear Abby has been taken over by a cigar chomping man in drag, it's hard to find good sound advice in business. So to meet this need, we present our new advice column for the high priests of high tech in need of a little high-minded wisdom with a feminine touch. More... Microsoft Security Microsoft recently announced a new integrated security effort known as Palladium, named after the statue of Pallas Athena, believed to protect the ancient city of Troy with digital rights management and a hundred year monopoly. Here's our preview of the top 10 new APIs. More... Unofficial Webby FAQ The Webby Awards recognize the unique role that the World Wide Web plays in the quest for creativity, technology and naked pictures of celebrities. Learn more with our unofficial FAQ. More... Even More Banner Ads By popular request, here's another all-new collection of banner ads that attempt to put the truth back into high-tech advertising. More... Q&A with Steve Ballmer I recently met with CEO Steve Ballmer at thermo-nuclear powered Dixie's BBQ in Bellevue to learn more about Microsoft's new organizational structure. Over a lunch of raw beef and skewered executives, we discussed Microsoft's inner workings, the departure of Rick Belluzzo and new security challenges. More... Jacob Insufferable WebLog Only five more days to go until I ship my new masterpiece Internet DeskJockey. I, Jacob Whiner, software genius, have been working on this program for two and a half years now. Read more in this never before revealed WebLog. More... More Banner Ads Sick of banner ads pumped full of promise and puffery? Take a look at a few of these banner ads we'd like to see. More... Buy, Sell or Hangup? Wall Street analysts have their own code for communicating when to buy or sell stocks. Mick Shtup from Hamburg & Toast explains. More... HP Merger FAQ Here is the unofficial FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) regarding the HP / Compaq Merger. More... Enron Book Club Hi, I'm Jeff Skilling, former CEO of Enron. When my career was just getting started, I had to learn with every mistake along the way. Now you can learn these same mistakes the fast way by using the books I wish I had back then. More... Dot Com Survivor.com How do you get Joe 486-pack to care about the rise and fall of Dot Com companies? Leading Internet impresario Skip Towne has created a new streaming Internet media portal with a twist. Dot Com Survivor.com combines the latest media fad (reality television) with the latest financial fad (dot com bankruptcy) and taken it to the next level. More... Top 10 Reasons Windows Slipped By now its obvious that the schedule for the next major release of Windows has definitely slipped. Or as they say in marketing, research has shown that customers are willing to wait longer for software that doesn't corrupt their hard disk if they double-click too fast. While we're waiting--and unless someone stops me--we might as well amuse ourselves with my top 10 reasons that Windows has slipped. More... The Upgrade Treadmill If you're a long time computer expert, you've probably thought about upgrading your PC. Back in the old days, you bought a PC and it took a year or two before you even thought of upgrading to a new model. Now through the miracle of pre-announcements, your PC is obsolete even before you finish paying for it. More... Land of the Geeks People always ask me what it was like to work at Borland. OK, you asked for it. But to make sure I, don't disclose any trade secrets, I won't clutter up the discussion with factual information. More... Fast Track To The Ground Floor One of the hottest companies in Silicon Valley is the SoftBrain Corporation founded by business genuis Rich Young. I interviewed Young at their San Melvino-di-Burpo headquarters. More... The End is Nigh! Whenever a new technology emerges in the software industry, programmers are quick to claim their early involvement. Those cigar-chomping, coffee-swilling managers puff out their chests and claim, "Why we were writing object-oriented code back in the '60s with Fortran IV using arrays of Holerith data." Younger programmers look with awe upon the graybeards and wonder if Herman Holerith was the guy who wrote "Last Train to Clarkesville." More... Dear Scott... I wanted to let you know that I am very interested in taking over Alan Baratz's position at Sun Microsystems as the President of the Java Division, group or whatever. I am particularly interested in knowing who gets the remainder of Alan's stock options. More... |
| Home News Features Library RTFM Store Book About | ||
| Entire contents © Copyright 2002 - 2004 M. Zack Urlocker. All rights reserved. No kidding. All contents fictional and satirical. |
|
 |