MS: Remedy To Cause Plagues

Nate Orenstam
Sunday, May 12, 2002

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(Washington, DC.) Microsoft executive Jim Allchin took to the witness stand this week in defense of tough antitrust measures proposed by nine states and the District of Columbia. Allchin took an aggressive stance against the government claiming that proposed remedies to provide open APIs to Windows would have serious repercussions in the high tech industry. Furthermore, Allchin claimed the remedies could impact the strength of the US dollar, the war in Afghanistan, the world economy, peace in the middle east, global warming, the search for a cure for cancer, affordable education, health care in the US and and the development of future Harry Potter films. "The government's actions will set back the computer industry, and indeed civilization, by hundreds of years," he said. "Microsoft's right to innovation, and indeed the rights of monopolists everywhere, are threatened by government action."

Microsoft claims that the market for operating systems remains highly competitive requiring the company to invest hundreds of millions of dollars in marketing campaigns each year. "We'll compete fair and square with anyone who enters the market, even if it is the US government," he said.

A Plague of Upgrades?

Alchin further claimed that the proposed remedies could result in ten years of plagues. "Obviously, that's not what we want at Microsoft. But if the government forces our hand, we will have no choice. If you think the 'Hailstorm' initiative has been put on hold, you're just not following the strategy," he said. "Hailstorm has been under development for three years. Lice, Frogs, Vermin, Boils and Locusts are waiting in the wings. These aren't just codenames, either. These are the real thing."

Former Microsoft CTO, Nathan Myhrvold, confirmed Allchin's statements. "When I found out what our guys were doing in Building 10, I had to get out of there. You don't think that Microsoft Research was really focused on Microsoft Bob do you? That was a complete smokescreen. It enabled us to keep a lid on plague research for five more years. No one paid the least amount of attention to what we were doing. Why do you think Bill has been investing in biotech for all these years? Believe me, it's not for the money. Ok, maybe it is for the money. But there are other reasons, also."

Myhrvold claimed that Microsoft has developed a master race of uber-programmers that can resist new strains of viruses and plagues. "People always ask why Microsoft never released any anti-virus software. Well, now you know." Myhrvold was planning on joining former Microsoft Group Vice President Paul Maritz at his ranch in Zimbabwe. "This is a good time to be on a different continent."

About the author
Nate Orenstam is a leading Java programmer who worked on the Java RFC 2714 "Schema for representing CORBA object references."