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VC Report According to the Q1 2002 Venture Report by The Money Toilet ("We're flush with cash!"), investment in Venture capital has increased significantly in Q1, despite fund returns coming in at approximately -85% ( -20 Celsius). More... Oracle Teams with Mafia Oracle today announced a new strategic agreement with US organized crime syndicate the Zamboni family of New York. "In this tough economic climate, we wanted a partner that would do 'whatever it takes' to be successful," said CEO Larry "the mouth" Ellison. "Believe me, these guys will do that and more." More... Larger iPods Apple Computer has announced its next generation of new more powerful iPod music players with larger storage. The new iPods store over 7,500 files and comfortably seat four adults. More... Ballmer Leaves Microsoft Microsoft today announced the resignation of CEO Steve Ballmer after just over two years in the top position. Ballmer will be be exiting the Microsoft executive suite to pursue a life-long dream of joining the rock group KISS. The announcement caused a flurry of activity on Wall Street this morning as investors unloaded Microsoft shares and bid up KISS paraphernalia on eBay. More... Apple Supercomputer Students, faculty and custodial staff at the New Jersey Institute of Technology and Monster Trucks announced that they created a new supercomputer powered by thousands of Apple computers, each with 2% market share. More... Towards Simplexity IBM today announced new initiatives to augment the complexity of enterprise infrastructure. "We examined thousands of customers and determined the number one source of complexity. It was IBM." More... Santa Ousted In the latest scandal to rock corporate america, Santa Claus, CEO of Kris Kringle Retail (KKR), has resigned amidst allegations of accounting fraud. New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer has accused Santa Claus and auditors Arthur Andersen of bilking investors and tax payers of hundreds of millions of dollars through complex accounting scams. "Santa's been bad this year," Spitzer stated at a well-attended press conference. "Very, very bad." More... MS Apologizes For Nukes Microsoft today apologized to the United Nations for supporting North Korea's violation of the nuclear disarmament treaty. Earlier it was revealed that Microsoft had afixed promotional decals to announce the MSN 8 internet service on North Korean nuclear war heads. More... MS Opens Source Microsoft today announced that they are open sourcing Windows. "People always thought we were against open source, and that's not true at all," said CTO Bill Gates. "The open source guys don't make any money, so what do we care, as long as we get it all." More... eBay Auctions Employees Acknowledging signs that the slowing economy may be having a greater impact on business than previously reported, eCommerce auction giant eBay has announced plans to auction approximately 15% of employees worldwide. More... Gartner Magick Quadrante IT Consultancy GartnerGroup has announced a new, updated version of their "Magic Quadrant". The Gartner quadrant, debuted in 1620 when the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock and has been the hallmark of high-tech marketing ever since. More... MP3 Pirates Fined The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has settled with three college students from the University of Houston accused of operating largescale networks of pirated music. RIAA spokesperson Alice Springs was optimistic about the settlement. "We have finally found a new source of revenue for the music industry." More... Recession Cancelled The US Treasury today officially declared the recession canceled. "Just because a few hundred thousand people lost their jobs, that doesn't mean the economy isn't fundamentally strong." More... BEA No. 1 in TLA BEA (NASD:BEAS) today announced WebLogic Server 7.0 (WLS) the leader in the rapidly growing TLA (three-letter acronym) market. Research firm IDC estimates that TLA will achieve CAGR of 120% through 2005. More... Google Stock Peaks Following on Google's recent S2 filing for an initial public offering (IPO) the search firm has also indicated that they plan to change their name to "Goo,ooo,ooo,gle" in order to better represent the wealth of the founders and executives. More... Microsoft Rumored to Join OSDL Sources inside Microsoft have reported the company will be expanding their commitment to open source by joining the Open Source Development Lab (OSDL) next week at LinuxWorld in Boston. More... New: Apple Plugs Leaks In its latest action to stem product leaks, Apple Computer has announced a new improved First Amendment which uses exclusive Apple ShuffleRights technology. "Let's face it, no one really understands these so-called 'First Amendment' rights," said CEO Steve Jobs. More... Pro-Forma Anxiety? Since the Securities Exchange Commission's new Reg S D rules are putting an end to so called pro-forma accounting, those ever-creative unaccountable accounts started peddling their high-priced consulting services elsewhere... More... MS to Ship Java U.S. District Judge J. "Freddy" Motz has ruled that Microsoft must distribute the latest version of Sun's Java platform in Windows. "We're more than happy to ship Sun's slower virtual machine if that's what the courts want," said Microsoft spokesman Spencer O'Cripes. More... CSFB Ceases Use of eMail In a move to thwart an investigation by securities regulators, investment bank Credit Suisse First Boston has abandoned the use of email in the firm. "We've found that often the use of so-called email has resulted in some of our employees being caught-up in so-called scandals," said CSFB CEO John Mack. More... New: Firms Probed for Not Backdating xxxxxxx More... Dalai Lama Blesses IPO Salesforce.com has announced that their controversial accounting practices have now been blessed by the Dalai Lama, smoothing the path towards an upcoming IPO. More... GiGo Predicts New Predictions The GiGo Group has today announced a series of new yet meaningless predictions in its report "The New WebService Economy: Better than the Old New Economy". Use of WebServices, that is, tying existing computer systems together with new marketing buzzwords, is poised for growth in the coming year. More... Microsoft To Release Code US District Judge Colleen "the collar" Kotelly has ordered Microsoft to turn over source code to Windows XP and XP embedded to a separate committee including representatives from nine litigating states and a boys computer club in Nebraska. More... Telecom Depressed Analysts at the CTIA Wireless 2002 conference have confirmed that the once healthy telecomunications industry is seriously depressed. Dr. Buzz Dialtone discussed the situation on a panel "Outlook for 2002: Not as bad as 2001. Maybe." More... New: Marion Jones Denies Doping US Olympic track and field star Marion Jones continues to deny reports that she has used performance enhancing drugs. "Performance enhancement?" Jones asked. "After coming in fifth place in the long jump, that's not what I would call it," Jones said. More... New: Beach Blanket Bingo Misty May and Kerri Walsh won the Olympic gold medal in women's beach volleyball defeating China in the second match in a stunning 21-11 victory. "We'd like to thank our sponsor, Frederick's Of Hollywood, who helped design the costumes," said Misty May after coming up for air. More... NEW: White Washed! Phil White, former CEO of Informix, who was convicted of eight counts of security fraud for filing known false statements with the SEC, has now been sentenced to 2 months in federal prison, a $10,000 fine and dinner without desert. More... Spitzer Tackles Boob Job New York Attorney General and nine-time olympic medal winner Eliot Spitzer has announced an investigation into CBS's notorious SuperBowl halftime event. "This is the kind of tawdry smut you'd expect to see in some cheap porn magazine like National Geographic, not on national television," Spitzer said. More... Sun Cuts Bill Joy Sun Microsystems today announced that in order to reduce employee ego expenses they have laid off company co-founder Bill Joy. More... Iraqi Minister Flees In the latest twist in the war in Iraq, the former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed Al-Shtupp has fled Iraq and has taken a new position with software giant Microsoft. More... Jayson Blair Witch Hunt Former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair, has resigned amid a scandal of journalistic fraud at the newspaper. Mr. Blair resigned his post when it was discovered that he had plagiarized an interview with an alien from Planet X that had allegedly kidnapped New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. More... Protesters Protest Protests Protesters in Hollywood, California held an "SUVs for Peace" rally yesterday to protest the ongoing war in Iraq. Protesters, led by activist actor and director Sean Penn blocked traffic for several minutes before heading off for dinner and drinks. More... Iraqi Troops Surrender Over 6,000 Iraqi troops have surrendered including members of the Iraqi Twenty First Division Third Battalion of Sheep Herders, Chicken Company. Iraqi troops had been observed practicing aggressive surrender maneuvers for several weeks, waiving down passing journalists, Red Cross offcials and wandering goats all to no avail. Finally, when US troops were within several miles of Umm Qasr, Iraqis threw down their assault sticks and waived white flags shouting "Wassup?" and "Sit on it." More... Sun Commits to Lame x86 Sun Microsystems, in an apparent about face, has committed to updating their flagship operating system Solaris 9 for the Intel x86 architecture. With this new release of Solaris 9, Sun expects to double market share; both users are reportedly very happy. More... Andersen McScandal The SEC has announced a major investigation into McDonald's corporation today for what may become the largest accounting fraud ever. And in yet another blow to the accounting industry, Arthur Andersen's auditing department is at the center of the controversy. More... Kerr Licks LPGA Twenty-four year old Christie Kerr achieved a narrow victory at the recent LPGA Longs Drugs Challenge at the Nash Bridges Golf Club in Lincoln, Calif. "It was long and hard, but I licked it," Kerr said. More... WorldCon Bankrputcy In the latest news to roil struggling telecommunications giant WorldCon, new CEO John Skidmore admitted that the company will likely face bankruptcy proceedings. "There are four possible scenarios, three of which would result in filing for bankruptcy," Skidmore said. "The fourth option is to float a couple of billion on my Mastercard." More... Viva Brazil! In a climactic final match at Yoko Ono stadium in Japan, Brazil made a decisive 2-0 victory over Germany. Striker "Ronaldo" Ronaldo redeemed his position as a national hero after the devastating loss to France in 1998. "This time, I decided to do my partying after the final match" Ronaldo said. More... Andersen Linked To Fires In the latest scandal to rock Arthur Andersen, the firm has now been linked to forest fires ravaging hundreds of acres of Arizona and Colorado wilderness. Apparently employees have take the company's document retention policy to a new extreme: setting torch to entire states. More... Senegal Kicks France's Balls Senegal, a former french colony thought to be located in West Africa, beat France in the opening match of the World Cup. "We are a small country, but we kicked their balls," said Papa Bouba "Bebop" Diop. More... WhirledCom Bonds Cut In the past thirty days, WhirledCom has ousted CEO and founder Bernard J. Ebbers, laid off more than 3,700 employees, faced a federal inquiry into its accounting practices, been removed from the S&P 500 list, and seen its bonds downgraded to "junk" status. "And I'm just getting started," said newly appointed CEO John Skidmore. More... Wolfram's Law With the publication of his book, "A New Kind of Science", mathematics guru Stephen Wolfram has revealed a new scientific theory that unifies the fields of mathematics, physics, biology, chemistry, and mini-golf: Everyone else is an idiot. More... Bertelsmann Buys Napster In an 11th hour reversal, German media giant Bertelsmann AG, has acquired the assets of Napster for approximately $8 million in cash along with 11 CDs and nothing more to buy. More... MS: Remedy To Cause Plagues Microsoft executive Jim Allchin took an aggressive stance against the government proclaiming that any potential remedies against the company would ultimately cause ten years of plagues. More... I2 CEO Greg Brady Resigns Supply-chain management software company I2 ousted CEO Greg Brady after reporting a revenue decline of more than fifty percent and two disastrous made-for-TV movies. More... Merrill Lynch Stock Ratings In response to an affadavit filed by the Attorney General that Merrill Lynch's Internet group misled investors, the company has issued new guidelines to it's employees. "I am shocked --shocked to find that our analysts promoted stocks based on our investment banking business," said Louis Trabant, director of SEC compliance at the firm. More... Overture Sues Google Overture has launched a lawsuit against Google claiming infringement on their one good idea. More... MS PR Machine Ever wonder how Microsoft is able to maintain such a constant stream of communications from headquarters without actually having an in-house PR staff? We've recently discovered that Microsoft has in fact "eaten its own dog food" and built a software program that completely automates the creation of new press releases. More... Software Qality Study A new study by the Qality Asurance Insitute (motto: "Bugs 'r' Us") has examined the source of programming defects, known as bugs, among software projects. The study, originally expected to be completed in November 1999, was recently released for publication. More... Congrats, Carly! Ben, be sure to post the right story, depending on which way the merger vote goes. Also, if Carly wins, remind me to short the stock. But, if she loses, I think I'll send in my resume. Thanks for all the work on the site this week. Get some rest! --Zack More... Congrats, Walter! Ben, be sure to post the right story, depending on which way the merger vote goes. Also, if Carly wins, remind me to short the stock. But, if she loses, I think I'll send in my resume. Thanks for all the work on the site this week. Get some rest! --Zack More... Reasons Enron CEO Quit Now according to Enron spokesman Mel Feasance, here are the top reasons Jeff Skilling really resigned from Enron. More... Apple Bars Auditors from Real Work Apple Computer, in an apparent reaction to the latest financial scandal at Enron, has announced that it is banning its financial auditors from engaging in any non-audit work. Apple CEO Steve Jobs stated "We don't need outside consultants to screw up our finances. That's what the CFO is for." More... Internet "Research" on the Rise New census data shows that 143 million Americans, approximately 54% of the population, were connected to the Internet last month. The census found that most of these users are men between the age of 21 and 35 undertaking important research on Pamela Lee Anderson. More... HP Staff Aware of Compaq A new study of HP employees sponsored by board member Walter Hewlett shows that many have actually heard of Compaq. More... A Brief History of Napster As told through the Top 10 most popular downloads on its last day of full operation. More... Borland, Corel Call Off Merger Plans Borland/Inprise Corp. and Corel Corp. said they are calling off their proposed merger and their syndicated TV show "Who wants to merge with a billionaire?" More... |
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